


Changing perspectives

by Casimir_Rovan



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Humor, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Mainly Ineffable bureaucracy, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, She/Her Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens), The armies of heaven and hell are not amused
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2020-10-24 18:09:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20710328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Casimir_Rovan/pseuds/Casimir_Rovan
Summary: Heaven and hell are completely out of control after the apocalypse-that-never-happened. Gabriel and Beelzebub are running out of ideas to solve this mess so they forge a rather unusual plan as a last desperate try: They switch positions. Now Gabriel is Leader of hell (temporary) and Beelzebub is Leader of heaven (temporary). Obviously neither the angels nor the demons are fond of the idea.





	1. The Plan

After the big flop, also known as the apocalypse-that-never-happened, heaven and hell were – to put it lightly – not in their _best_ shapes. The angels were restless, guideless and motiveless; the demons on the other hand were furious and completely and utterly pissed. To put it into short words: No one wanted to work anymore, which left the respective bosses of heaven and hell - Gabriel and Beelzebub - completely at a loss of words and actions. There was nothing they could do to change that, not now at least. So, the only acceptable thing to do was meeting up every single day to complain about their employees with a fine bottle of wine… or any other kind alcohol since it didn't really matter, it all tasted the same after you had enough of it.

To be honest that was something they already did long before the “apocalypse” took place, but compared to the problems they were faced with now, their past complaints were only small inconveniences. It was an evening like this in Gabriel’s apartment on Earth where they forged out a plan that would change and shape their futures forever.

Beelzebub sighed and tried her best not to smash her head into the next wall. Yes, she was that frustrated.

“… and then they just walked away. WALKED AWAY, you heard me? I mean the printer never works, that’s nothing new, but never before did they just decide to completely ignore their task instead of trying it for the fifth time.”, she growled like an enraged animal, “Also they stopped handing in reports, not because they decided to stop doing the paper work, no instead they just stopped doing work in fucking general.”

Gabriel watched her calmly, not saying a word. There was brutal fire roaring in her cold eyes as she spoke, it was fascinating, yet he kept that thought to himself or else she would most likely tear him into tiny shreds.

“I have a similar problem.”, he stated instead after she visibly calmed down a bit, “The number of wonders done this month dropped to an alarmingly low rate.” Which was a polite way to say there were none “Also a few angels send some rude messages to head office. I won’t recite them, but there was something along the lines of ‘I want to quit’. I mean what the hel-“, he stopped and cleared his throat, “what the _heck_, you can’t just quit being an angel??”

Beelzebub snickered. She sounded like a laughing bird and Gabriel hated the mocking sound of it.

“It’s called firing. That’s how I came to my nightmare of a workplace.”

“You’re not funny.”, he said unamused for the most part, but with a tiny hint of a smile on his lips, “… you know what I mean.”

“Yes, for a matter of fact I do.”

“Besides-”, he made a sour face, “there’s this thing about Aziraphale... word got around about what had happed during our ‘trial’ and now there are ugly rumours everywhere. This is clearly getting out of hand.”

The smile on Beelzebub’s lips immediately faded as the traitor was mentioned: “Same thing down in hell with the only exception that there are no rumours. These are not necessary since everyone saw it for themselves… which is even worse if you ask me. As a result, they started losing their respect for authority bit by bit and now I have them only barely under control.” A moment of silence. “Ok screw that, I lost every ounce of control I once had. At this point they are just doing what the ever fuck they want and all I can do is watch them and roll my eyes.”

She leaned herself against Gabriel and took a sharp breath. His skin was cold, angels in general were pretty cold most of the time, and right now she was visibly enjoying it. Gabriel on the other hand sighed contently as her warm aura wrapped itself around him.

“The angels are depressed.”, he said, eyes fixated on the grey wall across from the couch they’re currently sitting on, hand softly touching her shoulder and pulling her closer to his chest without really noticing it.

“and the demons are like noisy children.”, she added while closing her eyes, the cold aura of Gabriel soothing her always sore skin, “Even more then usually I mean. Ugh I have no energy left for this bullshit.”

“That’s a thing we can definitely agree on.”

“If I’m honest I totally understand your passive-aggressive angels up there, I want to quit my job too.”

“You can’t.”, he turned his head slightly the face her, “You already got fired, remember? And now you’re stuck in hell forever.” He shrugged, while a faint grin enlightened his face, “What a pity.”

“I hate you.”, there was no malice in these words.

“Of course you do.”, he chirped and pulled her close enough to place a tender kiss on her cheek. The small gesture lifted her sour mood for a moment, he always managed to do that. A small kiss, a light embrace, a short fleeting touch, softness in general, he knew the trick.

Her eyes softened immediately, while she closed the small distance between them to properly kiss his lips. “I’d be lost without you.”, she admitted without a second thought and he treasured the words. It was something she rarely did, ‘It’ being speaking all honestly about her feelings, but it didn’t matter. There was no need to say it anyways, since he always knew how she felt. There were days where she was the only thing he really understood in this world. He knew her better than himself.

“My love, let's be real there’s nothing that can unsettle or scare you, you are the strongest person I know. What I want to say is that you know perfectly well that it is the other way around and I would be completely lost without YOU, but thank you for lying on my behalf.”, he gazed at her lovingly, it was almost too much to handle.

She lowered her eyes and hid the smile that was beginning to dance on her lips. She had a reputation after all and he was ruining it again.

Moments like this, made them question how in heaven and hell they were able to hide their relationship for thousands and thousands of years now. One explanation would be that they were just excellent actors and pretty well at keeping secrets, another would be that angels and demons alike are just inattentive… which is more likely considering Gabriel’s very poor – if not horrible – acting skills. But it didn’t matter why no one knew it, what was important was that no one knew it or else some voices would whisper that their attitude towards Aziraphale’s and Crowley’s relationship was just inconsistent and call them hypocrites… which they were in a way, but hey no one loves admitting their flaws, right?

“Stop it, you charmer.”, she said after a while looking in his eyes again, “Sweet words don’t solve our problems.”

“Complaining doesn’t either.”, he said in a low tone, “Still that’s all we do since weeks… well months to be exact, which makes it even worse.”

He was right and she knew it, yet hearing it aloud gave her a slight headache. The apocalypse-that-didn’t-happen, didn’t happen three months ago and since that moment of utter failure everything was getting worse with each passing day.

It was time to come up with another plan, a new way to try it… or maybe it was just about time to finally accept their fate and get blind drunk.

She straightened her back and folded her arms across her chest with a concentrated expression. “Alright, time for some brainstorming about what we already did that didn’t work out: We tried doing nothing and just let them go berserk, we tried strictness, we tried ‘understanding their problems’”, she couldn’t say the last one without quotation marks and sarcasm, “We tried threats.”, he gave her a sharp look, “Well ok _I _tried threats and last but not least we tried the classics: arguing, discussing and giving up.”, she looked defeated, “and NOTHING worked… I really want to quit being the one in charge.” The last sentence was muttered and barely understandable, but he heard it nonetheless and an idea started to form in his head.

“Is there anything left we didn’t try?”, she added in a frustrated tone, trying her best to keep her voice at a low level.

Her counterpart was still lost in thoughts.

“Well.”, he began after a few minutes, “We’ve tried nearly every logical and intelligent way to solve this problem so… maybe it’s time for something completely insane now.” _Or giving up for good,_ he added in his mind.

Beelzebub looked amused, but not in the I’m-having-so-much-fun kind of way, more in the what-the-hell-goes-on-in-your-head kind of way: “Now you’re just ridiculous.”

“No listen!”, he really seemed to have thought something up after all. Beelzebub wasn’t sure whether she really wanted to hear it, because whatever it was, it caused Gabriel’s purple eyes to glow, as he faced her with an excited expression. Something about it unsettled her and Beelzebub’s flight instinct kicked in. “I will explain it to you!”, he proclaimed however, completely ignoring the way she looked at him, “You have tried your way and I have tried mine and what was the result?”

Pure confusion was glimmering in her greyish eyes. She still wasn’t sure where he was aiming at and unsure whether she should let him continue to speak. With an expression in her face that was difficult if not impossible to interpret she tilted her head slightly to the side. She would regret that: “…It didn’t work? Gabriel what are you trying to tell me? For fucks sake use words, you know just how much I hate these guessing games.”

Yes, he knew that and so did every single member of hell and because of that he continued without wasting another heartbeat: “How about we try it the other way around? As the humans would say: Maybe it’s just mad enough to work out. The best part would be that we finally have a solid excuse to leave our working places for some time. Maybe your way works better for them.”, he pointed upwards, “and mine better for these ungrateful bastards.”, he pointed downwards, “Worth a shot, isn’t it?”

The moment he closed his mouth again a strange thing occurred, strange and rare enough that someone should write it done with date and location: Beelzebub was at a loss of words. Of course, she had heard what Gabriel told her, despite his overly excited and fast way of speech, yet she needed a moment to really process it.

“You mean we… switch?”, she asked after a moment of hesitation, just to make sure she had heard him right, “I go to heaven and do your work and you go down and do mine?”

He clapped his hands together in an enthusiastic gesture and a big smile started to grow on his lips: “Exactly.”

“That’s insane!”

“Yes, it is, but maybe just insane enough!”

“You’re completely out of your mind. We can’t do that, can we?”

“Who would stop us? Satan is still missing and I haven’t heard anything of the Almighty ever since the world didn’t end _like it should_.” The last bit was added with a bitter tone and a glace to the side.

“It’s still wrong.”

Gabriel leaned back and said in the calmest way possible: “So you really want to return to hell, yell at demons that don’t get their work done for hours, take care of broken printers and holes in the ceiling and listen to tons of complains that seem to have no end?”

She didn’t like where this was going.

“No.”, she admitted through gritted teeth, “Who would honestly want that?”

“I would, that’s the point!”, he continued, “because I don’t want to deal with heaven and its issues right now. So, we have a plan?”

Beelzebub wasn’t sure yet, which was completely understandable. On the other hand, … “if I agree to that – and I’m not saying that I do – how should we explain that to our employees? Should I just go upwards and tell them ‘Hello angels, I’m here to officially take Gabriel’s place for a yet indefinite amount of time, while he takes mine in hell. This is our last attempt to solve this horrible mess we’re recently in.’?”

“Would be an idea, but maybe we should write something up to make it look more, you know, official.”

“You’re insufferable.”

“and you still love me, which means you just admitted to having a horrible taste. I’m asking again: Do we have a Plan, Beez?”

“Alright, sunshine, let’s do this but if things go south I’m blaming you.”

“Deal.”

***

The next day Michael, Sandalphon and Uriel were completely at a loss of words as Lord Beelzebub, Lord of flies and Prince of hell showed up in heaven and declared with an almost bored expression and without a blink or a pause: “Hello angels, I’m here to officially take Gabriel’s place for a yet indefinite amount of time, while he takes mine in hell. This is our last attempt to solve this horrible mess we’re recently in… please cooperate or else this will be a terrible time for all of us and I’ll probably search myself a nice place on Earth and wait till the planet blows up itself and none of this is my business anymore. Do you understand?”

A few emotions washed over Michael’s face, none of those was understanding.

“Is this a joke?”, she asked with a deadpan expression.

“I wish.”, Beelzebub replied, while she pulled a piece of paper out of the small pocket of her striped pants and handed it to the angels.

The paper was creased and slightly burned around the edges, but it was clearly and without a doubt Gabriel’s handwriting. To everyone’s big surprise the piece of paper was stating the same thing she had told them a second ago only in a way more professional kind of way.

Uriel pulled a face, Sandalphon whispered “Oh my.” and Michael looked as if someone had just punched her in the face with a brick.

“Can you really do that?”, Uriel asked completely in shock, after she handed the paper to Sandalphon, her eyes locked with Beelzebub’s.

“Obviously yes, since we technically already did it.”, she clapped her hands together in the way Gabriel uses to do it, “Now, can anyone of you be so _kind_ and show me around? This place had changed a lot since I was cast out.”

Maybe just maybe Gabriel was right and this would solve their big problem and even if it would just be another horrible idea Beelzebub was almost sure at this point that this will be a delightful experience if nothing else and HELL she needed fun so badly.

The angels wanted to heavily disagree, but she wouldn't ask them for their opinion.


	2. New Boss in town

**[Hell]**

Gabriel had always loved going downwards, not because the air there was particularly nice (because it wasn’t; the air was sticky, dusty and all in all just horrible), not because he liked the smell (because to no one’s surprise he wasn’t that fond of brimstone) and definitely not because he liked the narrow corridors and cramped rooms, no, he liked going downwards because it reminded him of how thankful he was for being a part of Heaven and not a part of Hell. It felt great to be the only saint amongst sinners, it felt great to be the only one with a clean suit amongst these lost souls and above all it felt great to be the only one that was able to leave at any given moment without looking back because – remember – you lucky bastard didn’t belong in this pit.

Not all of this did apply now, because at this very moment he was de facto a member of Hell - _at least partially_ – and he couldn’t just leave since there was work to get done. The part with the suit was true at least, although that could quickly change in this filthy place.

Last chance to leave, he silently told himself, then hesitated, then exited the elevator to enter the dark realm of Hell.

The first step on infernal ground took him a lot of willpower. No matter how many times he’d already been here, Hell was still foreign territory and a hostile one as well. The whole place seemed to consist of pain and doubt and fear, yet the first thing Gabriel felt as he began to walk on the dirty floor was … _excitement_. He hadn’t been excited for a long time, so he definitely wouldn’t allow himself to get nervous now. This was his idea after all.

As if someone had heard his thoughts, the elevator door behind him suddenly closed with a screeching noise. There was no way back.

It was almost sad that this realization didn’t scare him, not in the slightest, and the reason was even sadder: He knew for sure he wouldn’t miss how his life used to be in the past months. So, no matter what would await him here, it couldn’t be worse than what he had left behind. Or so he thought at the time. Still his steps were undeniably heavier than usual and there was this faint feeling of uneasiness that seemed to cling on him as he started to look around.

There were dozens of corridors, doors and stairways he noted and they were mostly dark. Darkness was not a problem for the angel since he was practically radiating pure light, but the endless number of paths that were laid out before him certainly was. Hell was a maze, an unstructured dirty looking maze.

Gabriel frowned.

He didn’t even bother to look out for a plan of the building, knowing that he would only make a fool out of himself. This was Hell after all and the whole point of Hell was to be a pure nightmare. Also, he punched himself mentally because even though he was visiting Hell more frequently than he would openly admit, he noticed that he had never paid enough attention to this place to know how to reach Beelzebub’s chambers on his own… or any other location for that matter.

_Great, you fool_.

Standing around wouldn’t solve this problem though – it rarely did – which is why he decided to just move and see where it would lead him. What could go wrong? And just like that, his almost annoying confidence was back and so was the smile on his lips as he stepped into one of the tight hallways on his left.

A few demons lazily walked past him and gave him disgusted looks. Some even hissed at him as he crossed the dark halls with confident steps, but he couldn’t care less about it. ‘Not caring’ was actually something angels were perfectly good at, demons on the other hand always tend to care way more than they would want to admit. This phenomenon was easily explained: It was part of their nature. Most angels were graced with the natural ability to stay neutral, calm and serene no matter the circumstances, while most demons were more sensitive at heart. That's why angels easily appeared to be cold-hearted which wasn’t true of course and demons seemed to wear their emotions on their sleeves which on the contrary was completely accurate.

Beelzebub was different though, because she was strong and cold and calm and always collected. Gabriel admired it. He was also different, for one thing because he had an own opinion which sometimes differed from the rest of his kind and on own agenda on top of that, for another thing because it was fairly easy to enrage or annoy him. It was just hard to notice that, since he was perfectly good at hiding it behind a smile.

Back in the present, this was exactly what he did and it seemed to work. It always did. Smiling in situations like this always tend to make others uncomfortable.

After a while he finally – more by chance than actual intent – reached the giant door of the throne room, but before he could so much as touch the dark wood an angry looking demon blocked his way. The demons name was Dagon, Gabriel remembered.

“What are _you_ doing here?”, Dagon said in a grumpy tone. The words were barely comprehensible because her many pointy teeth made it almost impossible for her to pronounce clearly and distinctly, but Gabriel understood enough of it. “Angels don’t do business down here… at least not without notice from the Boss. So, back off or else I’ll call the hellhounds.”

Gabriel just continued to smile at her, completely ignoring her rude attitude as he pulled out his copy of the official contract he and Beelzebub had concluded yesterday. With a firm gesture he handed it towards Dagon who took it hesitantly.

“Good thing that I’m your Boss now.”, the angel said with a friendliness that almost scared Dagon off, before he turned around to face the crowd that was already beginning to form in his back.

Most demons are naturally curious, so it wasn’t a surprise that he had gained such an audience within mere seconds. It was still weird, yet not annoying. Actually on a second thought, it came in handy since it would save him a lot of time.

“Alright! Since I have your attention already, I can as well explain to you why I’m here.”, he cleared his throat, “I officially announce to you that for the time being I will replace your Boss, while she will take my position in Heaven. So, from now on I’ll be the one in charge and you will follow my rules and orders without questioning my authority, understood?”

Dagon stared at him dumbfounded, the rest of the crowd just looked confused.

Some of them whispered “Is he fucking serious?”, some grumbled “I won’t do shit.” And some of them seemed like they weren’t sure yet whether this was the time to laugh at the worst joke ever made or to riot. A choir of hushed words and hisses filled the hallway.

Finally, one of the demons (a hideous specimen with rat teeth and dirty looking skin) answered: “Is this a joke? Because I won’t follow the orders of a fucking angel and I don’t care what this paper says.” A few others silently agreed.

_Great mistake_.

Without a blink Gabriel took a step forward, searching the crowd for the one who spoke and as he spotted him, the smile on his lips stretched even wider. He looked like a cat staring at his prey. The purple eyes of the archangel started to glow in a way that made the demon’s eyes burn. He yelped and averted his eyes, but the moment he dared to look up again, Gabriel was standing right in front of him bending down to be at eyelevel with him.

The smile still dancing on his lips and his eyes still glowing like a star, he said slowly while staring right into the demon’s green eyes: “I think I was very clear about what I said or do I really need to repeat myself? Lord Beelzebub may have a lot of patience with you guys, but always remember that I’m not a patient being.” He was terrifying. “Never was, never will be.”

The demon just nodded and escaped backwards into the crowd. _Coward_.

“Anyone else?”, Gabriel asked politely, yet in no way less terrifying. No one dared to answer.

Meanwhile Dagon had read thrice through the piece of paper – just to be sure – but it was undeniably written by Lord Beelzebub herself and stated exactly what Gabriel had told the crowd. Some words were even underlined (twice) and it was signed with the seal of hell.

“He’s not talking trash!”, she proclaimed still stunned and slightly disgusted, “Lord Beelzebub signed it. This is real.”

The crowd started to murmur again, but Gabriel had lost interest in them already and turned around to stare at Dagon again. “I guess you’re my second-in-command now, right? Dagon was the name?”, he didn’t wait for an answer, “So, could you show me around, please? … and maybe craft me a map. Everything here looks exactly the same to me and I don’t intent to get lost on my first day.”

**[Heaven]**

As much as Gabriel had always loved going downwards, his other half hated going upwards with a fiery passion. First of all everything was white and bright (which was horrible per se), also she had to be careful around some things which were seemingly random blessed - even some of the doorknobs which was a.) completely unnecessary and b.) a huge problem if you were a demon and wanted to enter a room - also heaven was big and scary. Most of the hallways were wide and long and painfully clean and it was almost too easy to get lost in the broad area which is why she rarely visited Gabriel up here. Usually they met on Earth or in Hell where it was pretty easy to come and go unnoticed, because all the eyes and ears of Hell were her own.

The strangest thing about crossing these hallways however was, that they were almost empty. Beelzebub was used to stepping over piles of papers and various objects. Above all she was used to squeezing past countless demons, but ever since she arrived in Heaven the only angels she had met were those three clowns that were currently showing her around. Ok to be fair she caught glimpses of angels when they stepped into the main halls, but they all seemed busy and bustling, which was strange considering what Gabriel had told her. She knew that the angels weren't performing wonders at the moment, which led to the interesting question of what they did instead.

Not her concern, she mused.

_Wait damn_.

Beelzebub took a deep breath. It hadn’t been her concern yesterday, but it certainly was her concern now. All of this was her concern now: The stupid hoverboards, the unsettling silence, the clean floors and most importantly the discontented angels.

Three of them were still showing her around and while they were doing so they were clouded in the typical passive-aggressive silence that seemed to surround most of the angels most of the time.

“And to conclude our little tour-“, Michael said in a polite yet annoyed tone as she stopped her movements right in the middle of the oval room that was Gabriel’s office, “Here is Gab-“, she paused and swallowed down a rude remark, “Here is _your_ office.”

Beelzebub gazed through the room. “Yeah I know, been here before.”, she said almost bored, while she walked to the desk with feather light steps, “I want a complete list of Gabriel’s usual tasks, access to your messaging system and an organization chart if you have something like that. If not, I want one of you to construct one for me.”

She turned around in a fluid gesture and rose an eyebrow. “Why aren’t you taking notes? I could be mistaken, but I’m pretty sure making long faces won’t be helpful in the matter of getting things done.” The flies which accompanied her started to buzz wildly as if to say ‘Words of advice: Just do as you’re told’. “Also, it’s horribly bright in here.”, she added narrowing her eyes, “How can you stand that cruel light all the time?”

Without wasting another second and ignoring her last comment, Sandalphon pulled out a small tablet and began typing on it, but Michael stopped him before he could so much as writing a headline.

“Just a moment, your Majesty.”, she said with the terrible fake smile most of the angels could sport on command and started going to the back of the giant room, signalling the other two to follow her out of the demon’s hearing range.

Beelzebub said nothing and focused on the desk again. The neatly sorted papers awoke the sudden urge within her to shove them roughly to the ground. She held back however and soon her eyes were fixated on the tablet that was laying precisely in the middle of the table. She vaguely remembered Gabriel using it from time to time while they had met to discuss business, but she couldn’t recall how it worked.

“One of you has to explain that thing to me later.”, she shouted, not caring enough to raise her head.

Sandalphon smiled politely – at least he thought that’s what he looked like - while he followed Michael and replied: “Of course.” His smile was like a punch in the gut.

In the back of the room Michael looked the others straight in the eyes and whispered: “This has to be a joke and I won’t play along with it. The question is: What should we do now to avoid a disaster?”

“Maybe it’s all a trick.”, Sandalphon added quietly, “Seems like something Hell would try.”

“My thought exactly.”

Uriel crossed her arms: “I don’t like to admit it, but the contract seems real. It’s signed and all… Looks pretty official to me.”

Sandalphon went silent, his eyes were still fixated on Beelzebub who had now started to pull out every single drawer of the desk to inspect its insides.

“Maybe we should call Gabriel just to be sure, but if he confirms it, there’s nothing we can do.”

“I’m afraid you’re right, Uriel”, Michael sighed, “I’ll call him right now to sort this out.” And with that she left the room and vanished into one of the wide and hollow hallways.

Slowly the remaining angels walked back to the desk. They cleared their throats to announce their return and flinched slightly as Beelzebub slammed the last drawer shut with an unnecessarily loud noise and leaned back in her chair.

She loathed this uncomfortable thing that forced you to sit in the healthiest way possible. How could Gabriel enjoy sitting in these things? While they were meeting here occasionally, she always preferred to sit on the desk or on Gabriel’s lap, even though they never _talked_ while she was sitting there. Not that she was complaining though.

“If you had wanted to speak in privacy you should’ve closed the door. I could hear every word.”, she said after a while, emphasizing every syllable of her last sentence and gesturing at the flies, “I have thousands of ears.”, she folded her hands on the table, “You’re still not taking any notes.”

Her dry tone and the almost sinister grin that formed on her thin lips caused the two angels to swallow hard. Good, Beelzebub thought, she couldn’t stand all that false politeness anyway.

“Another thing.”, she continued in a matter of fact tone, while Sandalphon started writing everything down, “I want a more comfortable chair in here. This one is awful.”

**[Hell]**

“This is the general working area.”, Dagon explained in a not very enthusiastic way as they entered a giant but still completely crammed office area, “Each demon has a desk, the printers are in the back and on the left is a coffee machine, but it hasn’t worked for the last twenty years so I wouldn’t bother trying it… the coffee never tasted good anyway. It’s not a big loss.”

Gabriel looked around. The room was gloomy and definitely uninviting, but that was to be expected, yet there was one thing that really bothered him…

“Why are most of the desks empty?”, he asked strictly, narrowing his eyes as they were still trying to get used to the lack of light in here. His mobile phone (or whatever one could call that technical device he carried around) buzzed silently, but he refused the call with a slight grimace.

He was busy, whoever wanted to speak him will have to wait.

Dagon shrugged. “Some demons refuse to return to work after the apocalypse didn’t happen.” She sounded like it was no big deal at all, however Gabriel knew just how big of a problem that really was.

The angel nodded and slowly walked past her to inspect the room a little further. Most desks were messy, some papers were spread on the floor, there was a big hole in the ceiling and a wet patch right beneath it. He tried not to touch the unidentified fluid on the floor with his clean shoes and sat down at one of the empty desks looking at the last thing its owner had worked through before they decided to stop performing their job alltogether.

“I want their names.”

Dagon walked closer. “What?”

“Their names. I want a complete list of the demons who refuse to work.”

“Right now?”

“Yes, now and I won’t ask twice.”

He turned his head slightly and stared Dagon down with his striking eyes till she nodded frantically and left through one of the half-closed doors. Half-closed not because it was slightly open, but rather because part of it was blocked with strange wood panels. There was no visible reason why someone nailed half of the door shut, but Gabriel was wise enough not to dwell on it.

This was hell after all and he obviously had yet a lot to learn about it. He decided that he would ask Beelzebub about the door later, when this day was done and he could return to his apartment and most importantly return to her.

The angel sighed softly and rose to his feet again, knocking over the chair in the process of doing so.

While he started to leave the room, Gabriel pulled the phone out of the pocket of his elegant coat.

_Unanswered call: Michael_

He had expected it. Slowly he dialled her number and waited.

“Ah Gabriel, finally.”, she said and Gabriel was sure he could hear the face she was pulling right now, “There has to be a terrible misunderstanding. You won’t believe what’s going on here. Where are y-“

He interrupted her: “In Hell, Michael. There’s no misunderstanding. Did Beelzebub show you the document?”

“Yes, but-“

“Good, everything you need to know is written down on it.”

“She wants to redecorate your office. You have to stop this madn-“

“And? It’s _her_ office now. If you have a problem speak to your Boss, who – most importantly - isn’t me anymore. Heaven is not my concern at the moment. So, if you excuse me, I have work to do.” And with that he hung up and gosh that felt great. It’s something demons would do, he mused, interrupting people and ending calls in the middle of a conversation, but technically that’s what he is right now, _well partially_, so – all in all - he had just acted according to his newly assigned role.

He exited the room and found himself in one of the hallways again. It was crowded and tight and looked exactly like most of the hallways here. _Brilliant_. That’s why he ordered a map.

Before he could start aimlessly wandering around, a demon walked towards him. The demon had to be Hastur, Duke of Hell. He remembered Beelzebub mentioning him a few times. She was fond of him in a weird way.

Hastur tilted his head to the side. “So, you’re really running this place now, huh?”, he asked unamused and unimpressed. Gabriel could see his reflexion in the demon’s black eyes. It was unsettling somehow.

“Yes.”, he replied shortly.

“For how long?”

“For as long as it takes.”

The answer didn’t seem to satisfy him. “Why?”, Hastur continued asking, his face still completely void of emotions.

“Because Beelzebub and I said so.” Gabriel felt like he was talking to a child. A child with creepy empty eyes and a frog on its head. He also felt like he was slowly losing his temper.

Hastur frowned. “Whatever. Just don’t lick the walls.”, he concluded and left.

Gabriel was confused. The walls? Why should anyone lick the walls? He watched him leave, unsure whether this short conversation went horrible or _ok-ish_.

Angels never asked questions, whereas demons seemed to ask about everything. All the time. Suddenly he could understand why Beelzebub had this don’t-ask-stupid-questions policy, also he understood the Almighty for casting the angels out who were too curious for their own good. A thought he should probably not verbalise… In this place specifically.

**[Heaven]**

Michael put her phone aside and cursed inwardly, while she headed back towards Gabriel’s – no, she corrected herself mentally – Beelzebub’s office. On the way she noticed Uriel standing in front of the door to one of the many presentation rooms, marking the door with a bright red cross.

“What are you doing?” She walked closer to her colleague.

Uriel raised her head. “Marking the door.”, she explained. That was obvious and therefore not really a helpful statement. “Lord Beelzebub wanted me to mark every blessed door, so that she can – and I quote – prevent burning her fingers on these horrible things.”, Uriel added after a moment, “News from Gabriel?”

“He confirmed what she said and then hung up on me.”, Michael replied. The last part was muttered. Uriel didn’t hear it, or maybe she did and ignored the comment on purpose.

“It’s official then.”

“Unfortunately so. I’ll inform the rest of heaven via the messaging system.”, Michael pulled out her phone and typed, “What is Sandalphon doing?”, she asked without looking up.

A mocking smile spread on Uriel’s lips: “He has the ungrateful job of explaining every single technical item we use to Beelzebub, because – you know – they’re still using overhead projectors in hell. Gabriel will surely have a lot of fun with those.” The last sentence was dripping with sarcasm.

“I kind of hope that Gabriel will regret this.”, Michael replied with a mischievous expression, while sending the official announcement to every member of heaven, “Even though I’m almost sure that this was entirely Beelzebub’s idea and she tricked Gabriel into agreeing to this nonsense.”

The archangel couldn’t even grasp an idea of how wrong this statement was.

It was always Gabriel who came up with the weird ideas and Beelzebub usually didn’t care enough to argue with him. Gabriel wanted it - Gabriel got it, that was their usual rule. The rule was only broken when food was involved, since Beelzebub loved it and Gabriel had the absolutely incomprehensible opinion that most of it was gross.

**[Earth]**

Another couple thought almost the exact same way about food, with the only exception that Aziraphale was – unlike Beelzebub – rather picky about it and Crowley – unlike Gabriel – didn’t really hate food, he just didn't enjoy eating it.

Also, unlike Beelzebub and Gabriel, both of them were fairly oblivious of the chaos that started to grow in Heaven and Hell alike. One reason was that they were kinda dismissed from service, another was that they simply stopped caring about their former office’s problems.

They were living a content and peaceful life. Well until now at least.

There was this thing about Fate. No one ever asked for being part of a story, yet Fate always found a way to make sure the people were involved in the things about to happen nonetheless. No one liked Fate for exactly that reason, but Fate didn’t care.

Something similar happened here as a strange message suddenly appeared on the floor in front of Crowley who was looking through old pictures in the back of Aziraphale’s bookshop.

“Angel!”, he screamed as he stared at the symbol in the upper corner of the paper, “There’s a message addressed to you.”

No one answered. Aziraphale seemed to be busy in the front dealing with customers and stuff.

Crowley rolled his eyes and counted to ten in his head before he grabbed the paper to read through it. His curiosity always got the best of him.

It took him a few minutes to understand the message correctly, not only because he was not really good at reading – Crowley blamed his snake eyes – but mostly because of the content it held. With wide eyes and an open mouth, he dropped the dammned thing to the floor.

“What’s the matter, dear?”, Aziraphale asked in a sing-sang voice, “Sorry I was busy with a customer and … Crowley?” He rushed to his side and sat down beside him. “Is everything ok?”

Crowley didn’t reply and merely pointed at the piece of paper.

Aziraphale picked it up slightly confused.

“Ah, seems like the office forgot to take my name off the list. Looks like I'm still receiving their messages.”, he explained, “It’s a note from Michael to every member of heaven it seems. Marked with ‘urgent’ … hmm let’s see.”

He started reading the message and with each word he could better understand the grimace Crowley had pulled until he dropped the paper in the same fashion Crowley did mere seconds ago.

“They did **what**??”


	3. Parallels

**[Earth, New York]**

The apartment was almost silent. There was no music playing, no clocks were ticking and no voices were heard. The only sound was the scratching noise of an almost empty pen and the calm humming of the purple eyed angel writing with it. He was sitting at a glass table (a rather expensive one) and worked through some files. It was astonishing how many pictures filled these pages - there were more pictures than words - also the documents were filthy and created an awful contrast compared to the perfectly pristine table. Gabriel didn’t mind though.

He continued to scribble tiny notes on the slightly creased pages in front of him, only stopping once in a while to violently shake the pen. Gabriel was almost a hundred percent sure that by now this sorry excuse of a pen only continued to work because of his extreme willpower and a small amount of cursing, but it was – and that fact was just awful - still the best pen the forces of Hell could offer him. Even more awful however was that his main problem wasn’t the horrible condition the pen was in... it was the almost embarrassing fact that Gabriel just wasn’t used to writing per hand anymore. Hell was a giant downgrade in terms of technical stuff, that’s for sure.

Right in the middle of his next sentence the pen gave up again and this time he shoved it aside with a sigh. He truly wasn’t a patient being - not in the slightest, yet it wasn’t his worst trait. Gabriel himself would state that the worst part of him was his quick temper, everyone else would say it was his almost aggressive perfectionism. Well, opinions differ.

He suddenly snapped out of his thoughts as he felt a familiar shift in the air.

_Finally._

Gabriel immediately rose from his chair as Beelzebub appeared in dancing flames right in the middle of the apartment. The fire didn’t touch the dark wooden floor, or the fancy carpet - or any other piece of furniture to Gabriel’s relief - it merely swirled around the Prince in elegant grace till it slowly turned into dark smoke.

“Welcome home! How was your first day?”, he asked with a curious expression. Beelzebub didn’t answer outright.

The flies around the demon’s head buzzed silently as she brushed the ash off her shoulders. Her cold eyes were firmly fixed on the ground, throwing shadows over her pale features, while the strange-looking smoke was still swirling around her wrists. It was almost hypnotising. She raised her head.

Gabriel knew that he shouldn’t find that as fascinating as he did – he was an angel after all, _an archangel even_ \- but here he was and he was helpless. Like a moth admiring a blazing flame, he looked at her and to him she was the most beautiful being of all, all her imperfections and flaws just added to that fact.

Apart from that she looked mainly exhausted, which wasn’t really unexpected considering she looked always exhausted in a way, yet the exact moment she spotted Gabriel at the other side of the room something in her pale eyes ignited. “It was Interesting.”, she finally said, “I’ve learned a lot that’s for sure. Like for example: angels don’t lie – of course not, I mean it’s a sin an all – but damn I didn’t know they were that good at avoiding the truth nonetheless. Pretty hard to get straight answers out of them”, the smoke faded away, she stepped into the light, “How was yours?”

Gabriel laughed. She was right. Angels were extremely talented in the art of avoiding the truth, but he guessed that every creature that either wasn’t allowed to or just wasn’t able to lie was brilliant at talking its way out of a complicated question. He was no exception to that.

“Interesting as well.”, he replied, “Also I noticed the contrary. Demons never stop asking questions and after a while I was all out of answers to give. That’s what you were dealing with all day? I’m impressed you didn’t kill half of them.”

A smirk formed on her thin lips, while she closed the distance between them. Every step was slowly and almost feline. “What makes you think I didn’t?”, she replied with a cat-like smile, “Seems like you had a lot of fun.”

“I had indeed! Well if you ignore the endless minutes, I had wasted during my stay with getting lost of course.” Without breaking eye-contact he wrapped his arms around her slender form and added: “Tomorrow will be a lot easier. I made Dagon draw me a map.”

She tried to withstand the urge to laugh but failed a second after and broke into a fit of laughter, quickly pressing her head against his chest to muffle the sounds. There he was again, ruining her reputation of being an emotionless demon-shaped nightmare. She said something barely understandable but Gabriel could easily guess that it meant: “I bet it’s horribly ugly.”

“It is.”, he touched her pitch-black hair in a careful gesture. He loved her hair despite the hideous way she styled it most of the time – well, ‘styled’ it - and was always amazed by the softness of it. “Looks more like a child’s drawing than anything else, BUT- “, Gabriel couldn’t help but grin, “It’s surprisingly accurate.”

Slowly she straightened her back to lock eyes with Gabriel: “I asked Michael to bring me an organization chart – I mean I have no idea how Heaven works nowadays and as their leader I should at least have an idea – and when she told me there is none, because ‘everyone here knows how our business works’.”, she tried to imitate Michael’s taunting voice, “She had to make one for me – but not handwritten! I’m a professional. I wanted a printed version.”

“Unfair! My map is drawn with wax crayons.”

Beelzebub started snickering again, Gabriel shut her up with a messy kiss.

Carefully he manoeuvred them through the room until they were standing right in front of the giant windowfront of Gabriel’s apartment. The city lights far below them were shining and blinking like millions of dancing stars, the night was still young and the city still wide awake. They broke the kiss to admire the view for a moment in silence, hands clasped tightly. Gabriel’s hands were cold and his skin was incredibly soft, while Beelzebub’s skin was hot and rough and littered with tiny scars, yet they fitted perfectly. They completed each other and as Beelzebub tightened her grip on his hand, she could feel the excitement that radiated from Gabriel.

Finally, both of them were back in their game, back in charge and it felt great. Now they could fix everything, could change everything for good – or for worse as far as Hell was concerned.

“I have ordered a revolving chair for your office.” Finally, Beelzebub dared to break the silence, “Your former chair was horrible.”

Gabriel turned to face her. Through their connection he could feel how thrilled she was, how content. He was smiling his usual wide smile: “Well, I placed a few plants in your throne room for better air quality and to make it a bit more colourful."

“Is this a contest?”, she asked raising a brow. Amusement was shimmering in her eyes mixed with something every other being would interpret as danger. Gabriel on the other hand was completely enthralled by it.

“Depends.”, the angel replied, lowering his voice, “Am I winning?” He was moving on thin ice and he knew it, especially since he was there entirely on purpose.

“No chance, sunshine.” There it was, the fire in her eyes started burning again. A shiver went down his spine.

Gabriel let go of her hand and leaned himself against the cold glass. “Alright.”, he intended to win this, “I ordered the demons to craft a few signs for me, mainly arrows that point in the direction of the exit and mainly for personal reasons.”

“Uriel had to mark every blessed door with red acrylic paint for me. I forbade her to use a ruler.”

“I ordered Hastur to write down the name of every demon that dares to question my authority. If they have a problem with me, I want them to say it to my face.”

“You use him as a spy?”, she sounded surprised but not in a bad way.

Gabriel shrugged: “I promised him a promotion for the service, but he said he’d do it for free. Snitching on others seems to be a lot of fun for demons.”

“It _is_ a lot of fun. You should try it sometimes.”, Gabriel wasn’t sure if it was meant as a joke, “I confiscated a few hoverboards.”, she added in a mischievous voice, “Those things are just embarrassing and they make awful sounds.”

“Not the hoverboards!”, his tone was playful and overly dramatic, “You’re ice cold.”, she took it as a compliment, “I wrote an angry notice for maintenance, since they’re doing a terrible job. My letter of complaint is four pages long and written by hand… I mean there’s a hole in the ceiling, a giant HOLE and it’s dribbling.”

“Yes, I know. I’ve spoken about this dammned hole for a hundred times, but still: Nice try.”, she stared at him triumphantly, “No one in hell reads those notices. They throw them away without so much as opening them, you’ll see.”, she crossed her arms across her chest, “I ignored all the ‘do not enter’ - signs and interrupted a meeting concerning the colour of the new carpet. I almost couldn’t believe it that angels are wasting time with such nonsense… In the end they settled with white, to no one’s surprise. Oh my bad - ”, she rolled her eyes, “Not white, ‘_Alabaster’_. I had no idea there were different shades of white.”

“There are quite a few actually, but I’ve attended even more useless meetings in the past. You can’t even image how long some angels can argue about the way documents and book should be arranged – alphabetical order by the way, I won the vote.”, he smiled, Beelzebub tried not to comment on it. “My turn. I forced a demon who was rude to me to write an apology essay. It’s due tomorrow.”

“He won’t write it.”

“Guess you’re right, but I intend to introduce the ‘naughty stool’ as a new punishment.”

Beelzebub took his hand again and pulled him away from the cold glass and closer to her warm body: “That’s cruel.”, she loved it, “You win this round.”

Their faces were just inches away. Something in the air felt heavy.

“Come on, say it.”, Gabriel whispered against her lips. His purple eyes enlightened in the most beautiful way. The light that was softly shimmering in those deep eyes was the light of heaven with all its power and glory and all its stunning perfection. It always managed to amaze the Prince of hell and render her completely speechless. It wasn’t the excuse for her current silence though, she merely didn’t want to say what Gabriel wanted to hear.

“Saaay it.”, he tried again, using the sing-sang voice he knew his counterpart hated so much.

_‘The voice’_ finally forced a reaction out of her. She glanced to the side and mumbled something incoherently. It was a start, he could work with this.

“I can’t understand you.”, he had too much fun and knew he would definitely pay for it later. A risk worth taking.

Beelzebub rolled her eyes and groaned – louder this time: “You were right.”, she crossed her arms, “Maybe this wasn’t a horrible idea after all. At least I’m having a decent amount of fun so far.”

He looked pleased, she allowed him that small moment of victory.

Suddenly a high-pitched chirping sound interrupted their moment.

“What ... is that?”, Gabriel asked confused.

Beelzebub didn’t answer, instead she pulled a blue glimmering mobile phone out of her pocket. “One of Heaven’s messaging devices.”, she explained, staring at the contact calling her, “I’m certain they gave it to me in order to be able to annoy me at all hours of the day from now on.”

“Actually, they are very practical. You’ll get used to it... but the sound is horrible.”

“I know, but I have no idea how to change it.”, she sighed. The phone was still humming.

“Don’t you want to anwer the call?”

“It’s Michael. So, not sure if I really want to.”

“I see your point, but Beez I’ll be honest with you: If you don’t accept the call she will call again and again until you answer.”

“Sounds like a nightmare. Alright.”, she rolled her eyes and accepted the call. There was silence for a moment and then “Yeah yeah good whatever to you too.”, just a few seconds in and she already hated every moment of the conversation. Gabriel had to supress his laughter, not sure whether Michael would hear him.

“Hmm ... yes… Well no …”, she started walking forth and back slowly, “No, I got that one… ah… Is it really THAT important? … I’ve heard you the first time, no need to shout into my ear.”

She turned around to Gabriel and mouthed: ‘What the fuck is wrong with her?!’ before she continued the conversation. “No, I won’t do anything of the sort… Then inform the department yourself… Yes… ok … Alright, I will see to it immediately.”, she concluded after a while and hung up.

“These angels need to calm down.”, she hissed more to herself. The demons of Hell were mostly working on their own – at the time they were still working at least – while the angels seemed to get nothing done without signing tons of papers first, asking for permission a hundred times and of course handing in a copy for the archive and one for the head office. There is such a thing as too much bureaucracy.

“You don’t have the intention to do anything, right?”, Gabriel interrupted her inner monologue with a knowing glare.

“Of course not.”, she answered deadpan, “But this will hopefully keep her satisfied for a while. The world won’t stop spinning if I do that later… the number of deadlines in Heaven are exorbitant anyway. Let’s see for how long I can procrastinate that.”

Gabriel smiled and replied with a lot of irony: “Your work ethic is astonishing.”

“I can say the same about you but without irony.”, she pointed at the glass table and the four big folders that were neatly placed onto it, “What the hell is all of this?”

Gabriel walked towards the piles of paper: “A few personal files. I want to know with what kind of persons I’ll be working for the time being. Do you by any chance know if these are up to date?”

Beelzebub didn’t move, she merely shrugged. “I guess. Usually, Dagon does a good job.” She turned to the window again.

The answer was satisfying enough. “Perfect.”, he said, before he crossed the room to join her at the window again where she looked outside with a thoughtful expression. He asked himself what she was thinking about.

A moment went by. Then two.

Silence fell upon them, as well as the light of the city that never slept and all Gabriel could think about was how perfect Beelzebub looked in this cold light, yet he didn’t say so aloud. At the same time all Beelzebub could think of was how much she was enamoured with this tall ridiculous perfect angel; she didn’t say a word either.

“We should lie down for a bit.”, he said after a while, even though he never slept, he merely enjoyed watching her sleep instead. What he actually meant was: ‘I love you more than I can tell.’

“Of course, you need your beauty sleep, princess.”, she replied, even though she was well aware that he never slept while she desperately needed a pause from time to time to calm her mind. What she actually meant was: ‘I love you too.’

Gabriel smiled. “Hey! You’re more of a princess than me. I mean you actually own a crown.”

“You really think so, Mr. French Nails? At the moment the crown is yours. Also, I would look horrible in a dress - I only chose this gender for the aesthetic - But you?”, her tone was mocking in the most lovable way, “You would look terrific.”

“I would look _gorgeous_.”, he said almost proudly, “And great that you mention it, Beez, your nails could need a little bit of attention. Now that you’re the Leader of Heaven you could as well look like one.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“You think I’m a coward?”

There were many ways to say ‘I love you’. It didn’t matter if one said “You’re ridiculous.” or if one said “Just the way you like it.” in the end it was all in all an ‘I love you’ of sorts and that was all that counted.

**[Earth, London]**

Time was a weird concept, especially for the beings that were created before time itself had started running, so while the sky of New York was dark and due to the city lights not a single star was seen, the sun started to rise above London, bathing the city in an almost ethereal light. One day ends and somewhere else another day starts.

Aziraphale was already awake and neatly dressed. He stared outside the window of Crowley’s bedroom to look at the rising sun. Crowley was awake as well, yet he pretended to be still sound asleep. He wasn’t really successful though.

“Crowley, dear, I know you’re awake.” Aziraphale didn’t need to face him to know. His eyes were still fixated on the colourful sky. “Come have a look, the sky is beautiful.”

Crowley stirred and turned his head.

“The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”, he said and he meant it, yet he didn’t look at the sky. Aziraphale’s eyes looked soft in the pale sunlight, softer than usual and way more colourful somehow. Crowley’s heart felt like it could burst any minute. To him Aziraphale was the most gorgeous being in existence and he couldn’t even put into words how much he was in love with him. Crowley wasn’t a poet, but if he were, he’d write sonnets about his angel to let the whole world know how lucky he was for having him.

Aziraphale smiled tenderly, but didn’t say anything.

“You should get ready. There’s work to do.”, he said after a while, “I can’t stop thinking about that message.”

He could hear Crowley’s steps behind him, then he felt his thin arms embracing him. He leaned into the touch.

“Me neither.”, Crowley mumbled against Aziraphale’s neck, “Just imagine it, angel!”

“Beelzebub would cause complete havoc in Heaven.”, Aziraphale turned around, “but maybe she would introduce the angels to the idea of Taco-Tuesday… in which case I would be mad that they haven’t done this switch-positions-thing years ago while I was still working there.”

“Gabriel wouldn’t let them enter the throne room with dirty shoes.”

“Beelzebub would ignore office hours.”

“Gabriel would glue little stars to their files, if they were doing a good job – which will most likely never happen… it’s Hell after all.”

“Beelzebub would confiscate the hoverboards.” That one was true at least.

“Gabriel would probably bring a swear-glass.”, Crowley said laughing,” A great idea actually, if you honestly think about it. He’d make a fortune within three hours.”

He threw his head back and laughed even louder, before he let go of the angel to cross the room in order to get properly dressed. Aziraphale continued to look outside.

“I would pay a fortune to see Michael’s face right now. She must be so angry.”

“and I would pay twice as much to see Hastur’s.”¸ Crowley replied out of the bathroom, “I’m sure Gabriel has the capacity to scare him shitless without much effort. I mean – jokes aside - I’m scared of him too. This smile is just unsettling and the eyes, they look like they could directly stare into one’s soul! When I was faced with him, I could barely hold his stare.”

“Yes. You’re not the only one.”, it was meant to be said silently… and less sour, “But seriously, dear, do you think they really did that?”

Crowley didn’t reply for a moment, Aziraphale heard the sound of running water. “Angel, we both had read that message – more than once, with and without alcohol - and you know better than me that Heaven is incapable of joking.”, he finally shouted out of the bathroom.

“You have a point.”, the angel admitted, finally stepping away from the window. His timing was perfect, because Crowley returned to the room the same second. Aziraphale smiled: “Stunning as always, my dear.”

The demon avoided his gaze. “Yeah yeah whatever.” He was bad at taking compliments, especially if those compliments were coming from Aziraphale and especially this early in the morning. He wasn’t ready for that sort of niceness.

“So, Crowley what are we going to do about it?”

“About that Beelzebub/Gabriel thing?”, Crowley shrugged, “Nothing. It isn’t our concern anymore, remember?”

“I know, dear, but- “, this ‘_but_’ was dangerous, “aren’t you curious? I certainly am.”

Curiosity always got the better of him and Aziraphale knew how to use that against him. A little bit of a bastard indeed.

“I don’t know.”, Crowley said.

Of course you do, whispered Fate.

“Come on Crowley!”

_Perfect_, now he couldn’t say ‘no’ anymore … this wasn’t a real choice. He sighed in an overly dramatic fashion. “Alright, I AM curious, also I have a lot of questions about that. I mean I can’t even imagine how they planned that sort of thing. Did they just phone each other up? Did they play truth or dare and that was a VERY dedicated dare? I don’t know, but I really want to know. So… What do you intend to do?”

Aziraphale gave him one of his perfect smiles, which was his way to say ‘I love you’ and the demon melted which was his way of saying ‘I love you too and I’m sure one day one of these smiles will be the end of me but please don’t stop; never stop’.

“Let’s talk about that during lunch.”, the angel said after a moment of thought, “I need to go to the bookshop now. Can we go to the sushi restaurant later?”

Crowley nodded: “Whatever you want, angel. I’ll drive you and pick you up again around noon.”

And with these words they were _doomed_, these words made them part of the story, yet Fate wasn’t done with them.


	4. Heaven upside down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! I'm not entirely satisfied with this chapter but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless :)

**[Heaven, Day 2]**

The moment Beelzebub entered the gates of Heaven she was immediately greeted by the 3 angels that seemed to be her unwanted but constant companions. The word _'companion'_ wasn't the best description though, since they were more like the three Ghosts of Christmas haunting her. Sandalphon waved a hand, Uriel smiled and Michael held a big stack of paper in her arms, pressing it to her chest like it was something precious – which it probably was to her. The stack looked like a threat, so did the stern look in Michael’s eyes and in this very moment Beelzebub understood how Ebenezer Scrooge might have felt at this particular Christmas eve that had changed his life.

“What is that?”, Beelzebub asked, suspecting it would probably ruin her day before it had properly started. She raised an eyebrow and prepared for the worst.

“Those are the basic rules of Heaven.”, Michael explained as if that was the most normal thing in the world, “In the newest version, established 20 years ago.”

“We thought you might want to have a look.”, Uriel added, “And maybe learn something.”

“We even printed it out for you, since you said you prefer solid paper over virtual ones.”, Sandalphon said, “For whatever reason.” He added in a judgemental tone. Beelzebub wanted to punch him.

It was partly hilarious and partly disgusting that they sounded like they had planned this conversation. They probably had, Beelzebub mused and the thought that they had written down a full script for this, almost made her laugh - internally. She didn’t let any of her amusement show on the outside. Heaven was all about appearance and she wouldn’t give anything away for free.

“You should take them.”, Uriel said with an inviting tone of voice or at least with a tone of voice that was meant to be inviting, but sounded simply impatient the moment the words had left her mouth.

“You’ll find it easier to adapt yourself then.”, Michael didn’t even try to sound friendly.

Beelzebub pulled a sour face and snatched the pile of papers out of Michael’s hands. “Alright. Three things you need to understand.”, she took a deep breath, “First, I hate it when I’m greeted with work before I had a cup of coffee – you should write that down. Second thing, I don’t need to adapt myself. This place.", she pointed towards the main hall at the end of the hallway, "is the thing that isn’t working, I however am here to fix it. Third thing,”, a mischievous light was burning in her eyes, “I make my own rules. Always.”

And with that being said she tossed the pile almost effortless to the side, making a mess by scattering the papers all over the clean floor and walked pass the perplexed looking angels. “These are outdated anyways.”, Beelzebub added without turning around, “There needs to be an after-the-apocalypse-that-didn’t-happen version.”

_Correction_: This start into the day wasn’t too bad.

The best part however was the silent hissing sound coming from – probably - Michael as Beelzebub stepped on some of the pages (fully intentional) while she made her way through the hallway. Such an _amazing_ feeling - It didn’t last long though. It merely lasted for a few steps.

The obvious thing that spoiled her mood were the bright hallways per se, because they were so bright, that it hurt her eyes. The second thing was way less obvious and hard to see for people with a bad intuition... or a lack of empathy. These weren’t necessarily the strong suits of an angel, but Beelzebub was rather good at reading the beings around her, so it took her less than one minute to notice that most of the angels that were standing in the hallways just tried to look busy, while in reality they weren’t doing anything.

They might be able to fool the archangels with their empty folders, but they certainly won’t fool her. Beelzebub was used to being around demons who faked to work and it was important to clarify that demons tended to be better actors.

She stopped in her tracks, stared at one particular angel - a dark haired one with silvery eyes - and said: “What’s your name?”

He drew back at the sharpness of her tone.

The angel looked like she had caught him red-handed, which she most likely had, since he was pretending to write a report for three hours now, while in reality he was using his tablet to draw cats.

“Ephirael.”, he said, while quickly closing all the open tabs on said tablet. His hair was black and neatly slicked back, his eyebrows were sharp and perfectly symmetrical, his nose was pointy and he wore a light grey feathered coat with pale blue embellishments. If he were a demon, the Prince of Hell mused, he would look like a harpy.

Beelzebub pulled a folded paper out of her pocket. It wasn’t particularly neatly folded and somehow filthy, which was kinda impressing, considering she only had it for a day. It was the organization chart and she let her eyes quickly wander over the paper.

_Ephirael [1], department: Zadkiel [2], responsible for: lawyers_

“Come to my office in 20 minutes.”, she stated without looking in his eyes and turned on her heels.

“Am I in trouble?”, he asked. Beelzebub didn’t answer. He cursed inwardly. In this place silence meant nothing good.

The demon continued her way to her office and exactly 20 minutes later – not a second too early or too late - there was a knock at the door. It slightly startled her, since Beelzebub wasn’t used to punctuality, but there were no functioning clocks in Hell anyways, so it was no big deal down there to be late. No one cared anyways.

Nothing happened for a moment.

“Come in?”

The door opened. _Of course_ he wouldn’t enter the room unless he got an explicit permission; Beelzebub rolled her eyes. This was definitely one of the things she wanted to change. Apart from that it was also kind of funny since according to the humans, it were always the demons that couldn't enter your home unless you had invited them in first.

The angel entered the room and even though Beelzebub could feel how tense he was, his resting-face looked somehow pissed.

“What were you doing in the hallway?”

“I was assigned to write a report.”

“I know what you _should’ve_ done, but what did you actually do?”

“I merely-“

“Just give me a straight answer.”

“I drew cats.” he admitted, yet to his big surprise she didn’t scold him, she looked concentrated instead. The flies around her head slowed their movements.

“Four questions and please answer them with quick and direct replies.”, she folded her hands on the table and leaned towards him, “1. Are you good with numbers? 2. Do you understand all the technical devices here? 3. If you could say one thing about Michael without consequences, what would you say? 4. On a scale from 1 to 10 how much do you miss the hoverboards?”

Ephirael thought about it for a moment, then replied: “Yes, Yes, I only laugh at her jokes because she scares me, solid 1 I’m glad they’re banned now.”

Beelzebub looked him straight in the eyes and said with the most serious and deadpan expression: “You’re promoted. I need a personal assistant.”

Ephirael leaned back in his chair. “Do I need to wear netsocks as well then? Because in that case I refuse.”

The demon tilted her head. “I like you. Now go and fetch me some coffee.”

“We don’t serve coffee in Heaven. None of us eats and drinks here.”

“Well I do, I’m the Archdemon of gluttony after all.”, she gestured at the flies just to underline her point, “Also I’m your Boss for the time being and this is an order. There’s coffee on Earth, don’t make me wait too long.” He looked at her like a deer in the headlights. “You’re allowed to leave.”

“But how should-“

“You’re as old as time, you’ll figure it out.”- or so she hoped as the angel left.

Beelzebub sighed and stared at her desk.

In her absence Sandalphon had placed the list of her duties for the day on top of the neat surface of the table: A long and complicated version with all the details and – because she explicitly demanded it – a short version that was easier to read.

She rolled her eyes and shoved the list to the side, eyeing the stack of paper and the tablet on top of it.

“I need my coffee.”

**[Heaven, Day 3]**

The third day in Heaven began in a similar manner. The three angels greeted her in the hallway, but this time Uriel handed her a cup of coffee first. Ah so you guys _could_ actually learn something, the demon thought.

Michael had the same stack of paper in her arms, the pages were slightly crumpled this time. “Are you sure you don’t want to read through our rules concerning behaviour and the likes?”, she asked and it became obvious that she had collected and sorted all these nasty papers yesterday and was still salty about that incident.

Beelzebub took a sip of her coffee and shook her head. “Sure as can be and the coffee isn’t sweet enough.”, she let the cup fall to the floor and smiled at the mess she made, “Write that down.”

She turned around and left, while saying: “And clean this mess.”

**[Heaven, Day 4]**

On the fourth day, Beelzebub was prepared to turn the tables. This time when the 3 angels greeted her at the gate, _she_ handed over a stack of paper to _them_. A triumphant smirk danced on her thin lips.

“Those are the _new_ basic rules of Heaven, I thought you might want to have a look. They’re written by hand.”, she stated and walked pass them, “If there are passages you can’t read, don’t ask me and try harder. Such a thing as illegible writing doesn’t exist.”

The new rules consisted of exactly 30 pages and it took her the whole night to think them up and write them down, mostly to Gabriel’s displeasure, even though it was a rare sight to see Beelzebub doing actual work. He was almost intrigued by her precise way of working. Thinking about it now, Beelzebub was actually shocked by the amount of time she had invested in writing these down. Seeing the confused faces in front of her though, she knew it has definitely been worth it. A lot of things would change now and no one could stop her.

One paragraph of the new rules for example stated that 15 minutes too late still counted as on time and that it was no longer necessary to fill out five different documents to speak to her, a knock on the door was just fine.

They didn’t look too happy about it, but there was nothing they could do. So, they did what they could do best: They smiled.

“Should we send these pages to everyone via the messaging system?”, Sandalphon asked.

“No, I want you to learn them by heart and tell them to everyone in person. One by one. No exceptions.”

And before Uriel could say whatever she desperately wanted to say, Beelzebub left. While she walked away, she could hear her say something along the lines of: “Ah what a great task. I’m glad we finally have something to do which requires us to actually talk with our colleagues.” Or maybe she said something like: “Seriously?! I have way more important stuff to do than walk around and talk to the employees.” One could mix those up easily.

The moment Beelzebub was far away enough from these three figures in their ridiculous suits, she stopped her movements to send her flies on the way. Her pale eyes darkened and changed until they looked like insect eyes - red and mosaic-like. She was completely blind while she did that, but it didn’t matter since she could see through all of her little pets’ eyes, could hear with their ears, could even taste the air around them.

It was about time to check what the angels were doing, while they were sure that no one was watching them. Beelzebub didn’t expect much, but what she witnessed was shocking even for someone with such low expectations: Some angels were just walking aimlessly through the corridors, some were just sitting there looking at something without really looking. There was an angel sitting in one of the corners. He had auburn hair and eyes that looked like rubies. His facial expression was indifferent, but there was anger in his eyes. Beelzebub knew this look; she had seen it before. Satan had the same look in his eyes before he fell and pulled them all into the abyss with him. This was bad. This was really really bad – and not in a good way.

After a while she started to get lost in all these fleeting images, images of angels that were doing nothing and most importantly that weren’t doing what they were supposed to do. She was experiencing one of these ‘_back in my days everything here worked better’_\- moments and it wasn’t pleasant. Thankfully the annoying high-pitched chirping sound of Beelzebub’s phone ripped her out of her trance. The images vanished and her eyes turned cold and pale again.

“If this is Michael I swear to Hell-“, she immediately began to curse, but went silent the moment she pulled the damned thing out of her pocket and saw that the one calling her was Gabriel. She accepted the call without wasting a heartbeat.

“Does my favourite angel need something?”, she asked, “Please repeat that… Who exactly is in the throne room?? …Poison is always a good option.” She started pacing while he talked on the other side of the phone. First, she looked concerned, then she started snickering. “Oh! Why haven’t you said that at the beginning… yes… yeah let him stay. You could use a helping hand and his are made out of gold. Also you- “ She stopped mid-sentence as a tall female angel with a boring hairstyle cleared her throat next to her.

“Give me a second.”, she said, then lowered the phone and turned towards the angel, asking: “What is it?” while looking daggers at her.

The angel pointed at the wall behind Beelzebub and as she turned around, she saw a big neatly placed sign on the wall that stated: No phone calls in the hallways allowed. Hallways are for walking not for conversation. Be punctual.

“Phone calls are forbidden in the hallways.”, the angel stated as if the sign wasn’t obvious enough.

Beelzebub stared at her completely unamused, she didn’t even blink and then without breaking the eye contact she reached backwards and ripped the sign off. “I’ll allow it from now on. Anything else?”

The angel shook her head and moved away.

With rolling eyes Beelzebub raised the phone to her ear again. “… wait did you speak the whole time?? ... nothing important, just a mild inconvenience.”, she loved this man, “As I said let him stay… Nonsense. Leviathan is the one I hate and Asmodeus.”, she fell silent for a moment, “Well, on a second thought Mammon is the only one I like apart from Lucifer… yes.. definitely... alright see you later, sunshine.”

She loved this man so much.

**[Heaven, Day 5]**

The fifth day started out very unspectacular but unfortunately that changed the moment the Prince of Hell entered her office. She sat down at her desk - which looked really messy by now – and started working through the reports from Earth. There was a bag of crisps in front of her, which her new personal assistant had brought her _before_ he had placed the giant pile of reports on the table. He was a smart creature, especially since the crisps were bacon flavoured.

There was this thing about bacon: it made everything so much better. But there was a limitation to that basic rule and as Beelzebub read through the reports - one after the other - even the bacon flavoured crisps weren’t enough to lift her mood again, because the number of wonders was not only alarmingly low, but also still dropping.

Extreme circumstances required extreme measures and in this case it required one of the things Beelzebub hated most: She had to convene a meeting.

While shoving a fistful of crisps into her mouth, she dialled the number of her assistant.

“Yes?”, came the harsh reply.

Ephirael had this new job for a few days only and his politeness was already completely thrown out of the window. It made Beelzebub somehow proud. She was such a bad influence.

“Call all the important angels. I'm expecting everybody in the big meeting room in 15 minutes."

“So, who exactly?”

Beelzebub rolled her eyes: “Just do it. Don’t make me search for this damned organization chart again.”, the last part was barely understandable since she shoved another fistful of crisps into her mouth, “What am I paying you for?”

There was silence on the other side. Until: “I get paid?”

“Don’t push your luck." The job as her personal assistant actually gained him a few benefits. He was for example allowed to wear shades and shoes with velcro straps.

“Alright, I’ll call the ‘_important’_ angels, your majesty.” The mocking tone was also new, he was such a quick learner.

Beelzebub didn’t reply and Ephirael hung up without saying another word.

_Good boy._

It didn’t take long for all the archangels and other important leading angels to arrive at one of the conference rooms; the one with the new white carpet – no, she corrected herself: The alabaster carpet.

Beelzebub entered the room 20 minutes after the time she had set and marked as urgent, but no one dared to comment on that, especially after Beelzebub had slammed the reports on the conference table with such a strength that the angels were scared for a moment that the table might break. It was a reminder that even though she was small and very thin, she had been an archangel once and was now a Prince of Hell and stronger than most of them.

“I just say it directly: The numbers are still horrible.”, she stated with a grimace, while ‘stating’ wasn’t the right term for it. Actually, she scolded them like an angry teacher, or more like a mother that _wasn’t angry but merely disappointed_, “Are there any ongoing measures to change that?”

The room went quiet and everyone seemed to look on the ground, or on the alabaster carpet. Beelzebub sat down on the table and eyed them for a moment, but no one dared to say anything.

“Someone of you should speak to me within the next seconds or I’ll set this horrible carpet on fire and force you to watch as it burns down.”

That did the trick.

Sandalphon looked at the tablet in his hands: “They refuse.” His voice sounded defeated and was barely above a whisper.

“They- what?”, Beelzebub raised an eyebrow as she walked towards him like a lion towards a sheep, “Louder.”

He raised his head and spoke again, clearer this time: “They refuse. We asked them to return to their work a thousand times, but it was to no avail. I mean we cannot force them to, right? It's what demons would do.”

Beelzebub clenched her fists while she returned to her chair in which she actually sat down this time: “We don’t have to.” Her voice sounded cold and somehow scary. Good, she thought, fear me, “I’ll react like I have always reacted in Hell. This must end or else the chaos we have up here will expand to the Earth.”

She leaned towards Ephirael, who was sitting to her right and whispered something into his ear. The angel grabbed her tablet and handed it back towards Beelzebub after a few minutes. She pressed a button and addressed the angels again. “You can leave. There’s a mandatory meeting in the main hall now. No one is allowed to stay away from it.” She left the room and what came next was a speech in the main hall no one in heaven would ever forget.

“I gave you a chance, which some of you took, but most of you didn’t. The thing is I can’t allow you to refuse working any longer. Even I am working here and I’m a demon and more importantly I rarely do anything myself because I hate it. In Hell there’s a simple rule: Do what you’re assigned to do, look busy or you’ll be punished with useless work.”, she pulled out the tablet, “You’re all very horrible actors, so option 3 it is. I created a list for everyone who is concerned by this. Please search your name on the list and then - welcome to your new job. You are allowed to return to your former job at any time, BUT first of all you need to have a talk with me. Bye, don’t do crimes and don’t make me pissed.”

Some angels were assigned to do nothing else but open und close doors, some were assigned to hold up a plant for hours to at least look decent while doing nothing and others were asked to clean the floor for hours, even though there wasn’t even a hint of dirt. These were just a few examples.

“This will teach them discipline.”, Michael said with a smile that almost seemed genuine as she oversaw at least twelve angels, who were polishing the pristine clear floor with toothbrushes.

“Or at least show them an alternative worse than doing their job and performing wonders.”, Uriel added.

Sandalphon said nothing, he just nodded.

Beelzebub on the other hand looked concerned. Maybe she was the only one, but she was sure the angels didn’t refuse to work because they were lazy, but because they were sad and guideless. She hadn’t given them these horrible tasks to punish them, no she did it because the angels were not only sad but ridiculously proud and Beelzebub hoped that maybe once their unhappiness was bigger than their pride, they would come to her office and let their masks fall.

She snapped out of her thoughts the moment an angel walked past them with a phone in his hand.

“Isn’t that forbidden?”, Uriel asked while Sandalphon eyed the walls.

“Wasn’t there a sign once?”

**[Earth, New York]**

For the first time in a long while, Beelzebub came home before Gabriel did and it was unsettling somehow, yet when Gabriel finally arrived Beelzebub couldn’t hold back a laughter, because he was stained with some kind of oil from head to toes.

“Shit what happened to you? You look like a seagull in one of these save-the-earth movies.”

Gabriel moved his hand in a swift gesture and his clothes became clean again. “I tried to repair the printer.”

Beelzebub snickered. “Stupid idea.”

“Yeah, I’ve noticed.”, he said with a faint grin, “This foul creature fought me.”

“Does the printer look worse than you at least?”

“Well he was a strong opponent, but lost in the end. He respects me now. How was your day?”

Beelzebub smiled weakly. “Complicated.", she said, "I gave out some new jobs to the angels, since they didn’t seem to like their old ones. The angel that was once assigned to listen to the prayers of stressed teachers? It’s her job now to pretend to be a chair for 7 hours a day, with a ten-minute break in between.”

“Cruel.”

“Thank you.”

She walked towards him, stepped on her toes and gave him a soft kiss. “You notice something new about me?”

_A trick question_, he thought immediately. “Well, unfortunately it isn’t your hair.”

That comment made Beelzebub laugh. “No, but your hair looks a little dishevelled.”

“Thanks, it’s the stress and the bad condition of every little thing down there.”

“You love it, don’t you?”

A smile stretched on his lips: “I do.”

“It suits you.”

Gabriel took a step back to look at her properly. Suddenly his eyes widened. “Your shoes are clean.”

“Strange, isn't it?”

“Wow. What are you going to do with your newly won attitude?”

“I think I’ll construct a break room tomorrow for the angels.”

“I’ll let the demons write a test.”

Well, everything that had happened so far made one thing very clear already: Beelzebub may appear hard and cold, but she actually possessed a soft side deep down. Whereas Gabriel looked like a ridiculous softie on the outside, but was a strict leader on the inside.

_What could go wrong?_

* * *

**Notes:**

_[1] Ephirael is my own creation_

_[2] Zadkiel is the Archangel of order and justice, the heavenly patron of Judges and Lawyers_


End file.
